Why willingness alone won't help change......

Having willingness is a great start but its simply not enough, I hate change as I'm sure most people do. It involves doing something different, it involves looking at your inner self and looking at you inside and out. So why do we want to change? For me I was sick of doing the same stuff and not moving forwards. I was sick of being sick and tired, I wanted more for myself I still want a different outcome for my future. Sadly this involves change, I meditated deeply whilst heavily burnt out. 

This involved the following

Language

Reflection (mirror work)

Music

Writing 

Separation 

Lessons

Learning

Growing 

Grip work 

Meditation 

Attachment 

This list is not exhaustive, this is not my own work I have spoken to many coaches and been well supported my gratitude goes to those that have had the pleasure to work with me. we have had ups and downs but we have got me to bounce back each time. The process always starts from the beginning. When we fall down my coaches taught me how to get back up. This wasn't by a willingness this was done by using why I wanted to change in the first place. It doesn't matter who you choose to work with but it does matter on your why. 

"Developing a strong mind will allow you to develop a strong life". 

So how do you change?

small steps everyday....

One step at a time, grow these into seconds, minutes, hours, then daily finally you then start developing plans which in turn ends up being goals. 

A coach and family friend once said don't worry if you have no goals right now they will come later, he was right not that matters but it has taught me to build and rebuild over again when I need to and to challenge the things that have a direct impact on my future. 

I didn't just quit my sport I took myself away from a toxic environment to those I still make contact with I feel truly blessed as you have individually contributed to my success. to those that aren't I'm not sorry it just means we have gone down different pathways. 

I am now in the process of building towards my passions and focussing my energies on those things that are important to me. You can't change until you realise change needs to happen. Stop looking/searching but instead make you your only goal. appreciate what you do have instead of what you don't. 

Allow yourself to be set free and not being trapped in our beautiful mind as that is when creativity really happens. Everyone at some point has to work on themselves. use the time wisely as tomorrow is never guaranteed. 

love, peace and strength

SW XXX

Worthiness

Worthiness 

I tell myself daily I’m not worthy it’s deep routed it’s not a doubt. I don’t believe there is a deep fear. Which stops me daily from having a voice it projects out things I don’t want rather than what I do want. It doesn’t demand anything it just keeps quiet and hopes that problems will disappear on their own. I struggle with it when it’s in tune it’s incredible but more often than not I don't think before I speak. 

It’s completely silent but it speaks up to give bullshit answers I call it "it" because I don’t know what it is that stops me. I have to mentally rehearse myself to jump in but it takes time and practice. I don’t believe I’m ready to just let it go even though I want to. As it stops me from achieving all the things I want. Then out of no where it comes out as anger and frustration and I have these little outbursts now I feel I have lost this ability to communicate because everything has been silenced.

 I want to reset so I can speak up and feel free. Currently my voice is becoming fainter and fainter I have no idea where this has come from. Then I think is it confidence and I’m sure it isn’t because I have that I can walk out and wear no make up and know I’m beautiful on the outside but on the inside I feel like I’m decomposing. Emotionally and physically. I still posses determination and motivation but it’s not enough anymore. I want to feel a deeper connection and understanding to myself so we work in sync. I feel weaker and weaker day by day and I’m holding on for dear life I want to let go of this fight I have.  But I don’t know how or what I’m letting go of.

The purpose of calling this blog worthiness is because I believe we are all guilty of self deprecating thoughts about ourselves and we are not good at praising the good that we posses.i feel this because at times I'm sure we've allowed people to take our ideas and not recognise our own work. whilst passing it over as nothing when actually it matters. 

affirmation for today 

"I am worthy for goodness"

" I am worthy to reject negativity"

"I am worthy to recieve love and happiness without guilt"

pece love and happiness 

sw

Dear Body....

Dear body,

Thank you for being with me everyday, thank you for allowing me to have the opportunity to walk away. I’m sorry I have abused you, sexually, physically, emotionally. I have treated you like an object but actually you are more you carry my mind, you protect my organs. You allow me to see what is in front of me. I’m sorry my relationship with you has been up and down 1 minute I love you the next I detest you and blame you for the choices I have made. It was never your fault it was never your choice you just followed my choices. I pulled you along and you suffered as a result.  

I love the fact you have competed with me and have allowed me to stand on a podium with my head held high. 

Because of you I was able to do that. 

I love the fact you are my eyes and allow me to see choices clearly.  

I love how you carry all you carry as well as protect everything inside. Without you I wouldn’t be the person I am today. 

I love how you walk from place to place and don’t complain but if it’s too much you’ll show me pain to say enough for today.

I love our rest days together they are the best we do not do much in other people’s eyes but in our world we just connect and understand one another.

I love the moles on my skin if I had a pen we could draw a map of the world and name all the places as if it were a dot to dot. 

I love the fun we have together, when we are connected. But when my mind wonders I love the fact I can take you on adventures with me.

Thankyou for being you and loving me enough to stay xxx 

How I overcame the fear of speaking.

So as most of you are aware I have shared some very deep and dark moments in my life that have haunted me for the last 15 years. its prevented me from taking action at times crippled me with pain. It's like carrying a ruck sack full of rocks and the load just gets heavier over the years. No matter how much I fight to keep it in it just follows me around. it wasn't until I spoke to close friends that we identified something had to change. I was missing out on activities. I  missed out on living and building long-lasting friendships.

I'm in no way fixed and still have a long way to go however I'm now just starting a new chapter in  life, Which is extremely invigorating. Being trapped in your head is like a prison in fact I will recommend a book its called The mind made prison by Mateo Tabatabai. its not about self help it's a learning book that clears the mind. At points it will make you laugh. Which we all know is a great antidepressant.

I have been surrounded by many fantastic people who have supported and loved me through my journey. I now want to do the same for others especially when it comes to mental health. I feel confident now to hit back and stop lying to myself I'm ok when clearly I wasn't. this not only takes courage but an inner strength that is more than just lifting weights which I have done. trained like a demon but what I didn't work on was my gut health or my mind. When people ask me how I am the answer is always the same I'm getting there. as I have no idea what the future will look like. After all it would be like time travelling and that is what I have been struggling with. My pure focus now is staying present. but after 15 years of work I have now found my voice. With the podcast I did yesterday with Ryan from revival it's gave me some power back.

I feel I could talk more, write and just keep doing it. but don't mistake this for being fixed as I don't believe anyone ever truly is. However it doesn't mean we can't work on ourselves being the best versions. comparing yourself only leads to pain and hurt. I would suggest to compare you against you. As you are the most important person.


Mental health doesn't have to be mental once simplified.

peace and love
SW XXX

PTSD

One day you can be fine the next day your world comes crumbling down, its like a living walking nightmare. The smallest of things tip you off hot flushes, shaking uncontrollably. life is tough but the flash backs make it worse it's equivalent to time travelling the smallest of triggers takes you right back to where you don't want to be. I don't believe the scars go away but acceptance is huge in the recovery stages.which can at least bring some peace and light at the darkest points.

Having suffered several traumatic events in my life, you have the feeling of self doubt, self deprecating thoughts as well as suicidal. What keeps me going is knowing they are thoughts but they will pass eventually. it is important I rest but the cycle doesn't stop so self management and care goes a long way. looking after my general well being and health there are days where I can't move. its debilitating. However I have avoided for so long handling these issues and it is only now I'm ready to become full accountable for my thoughts whilst taking back control over my life. People have referred to me as a tree hugger, woo woo and nuts. However the alternative is much scarier and will ultimately lead to a suicide of some description.

part of the work I have done is affirmations....
I am....
I will....
I can...
I love...
I feel...
I have...

Finally I am enough I am here I will manage I can overcome my trauma I love my friends and family I feel complete I have a life.

It's a journey whilst we are all suffering we don't have to suffer in silence nor should we I believe the more we talk and open up the better we will be as humans. 1/4 people suffer so the next time you are at work, or socialising practice kindness its the only act that can go along way.

I will post more on PTSD once I am more confident discussing it I'd like to talk about particular flash backs. how to cope when it happens whilst looking after our mental health in general without exhausting ourselves to burn out.

peace & love

SW XXX

Emotional Flooding

I have often experienced mental flooding, certain triggers, a state of fight or flight kicks in. A sense of being overwhelmed with no control of what or how I am feeling the way I am. all know is in turn can leave me feeling cold or so hot I am on fire not the literal state o course. Its a natural response what I learnt through my processes was how to identify what the trigger was, what response I chose to have which led me to being more in control of me rather than my self. even to this day I still haven't identified all of so each time something new comes up I treat it like a new experience. learn from it and try to move on the best way I know how which is either avoidance, freeze, isolate myself or if the experience is positive I tend to over engage with the activity. I guess I am at a point now where I'm in pursuit of complete balance.

work life should work for me not the other way around, be passionate enjoy what you do you have one life. Our biggest regret is not being able to change. instead staying stuck in a lifeless life not taking that chance when we wished we had. 

Family life I love family time but often I need breaks too although I'm a wife I don't want it to define me 24/7 I need to be able to still connect to me but have that sense of belonging. we are all guilty of being defined by social expectations. Whilst this is how we have been conditioned you still need to stay as you. Who were you before the house, the husband or wife, the family, the children, the car, the dog?

Me Time whats's that? you are so consumed by the the other things in life that actually you neglect yourself how can you be the best version for the above I you don't devote that time back to you. Don't get me wrong being a single parent is hard you have to play roles of both. However you do go to bed whilst this maybe disturbed sleep, whilst the kids are settling listen to some calming music, set a routine easier said than done, it can eventually be achieved. before I met Ryan from revive I was doing ok and coping but made no  conscious effort for me. So far what I have learnt is how to schedule a meal plan to work for me, develop a morning routine, create a natural calming environment for me to recharge, how to eat when I'm feeling my lowest. There is truth behind the work we have successfully managed to reverse uti's kidney and liver damage. I invested back into myself because I wanted to and I felt I was dieing inside. 

Calm When was the last time you made time for you, that sense of calm was it before bedtime, watching a moving, going for a walk chilling with your favourite humans. a sense of calm is important it helps develop our emotions. its a time for reflection inner peace and silence. to achieve this state of mind is hard especially hard in a busy world. So how can you achieve it? down below I have identified activities that have helped me.

Activities
Qi Gong
Meditation
Affirmations eg. I am enough
Walking
Thought bubbles
Routines
Touching nature
Fresh fruit and Vegetables
Organisation
Bath time light candles
Reading
Writing
Practice consciousness
The list is endless but be for sure you can do you....

Specify what you want?

A dream is just a dream, how will you achieve it, what support do you need, do you need a time scale? a back up plan? write, write and write for your pursuit of your dreams.

Work without labels A tree is a tree what do you notice about it, is it breathing? how does it move, notice the colours, are they bright or dull. describe what you see and all of a sudden you create a visual experience of more than just a tree. give it a go takes practice. again write down what you see hear and smell.

Notice the emotions

Anger
Sadness
Frustration
Stress
Hate
Anxious
Doubt

There are many reasons these show up its important to understand the trigger, reflect upon them use the negative emotions as a gateway to find a release. observe them find out why they have shown up. avoid avoiding them but accept them as just thoughts.

happiness, peace and love SW XXX
Gratitude to Ryan @revive you have helped no end thank you x

The dangers of searching for what was never missing in order to arrive at the place you have always been...

The truth is I am me I have spent years trying to find the missing pieces to my jigsaw. I have my mind, my eyes, body and can hear and speak. nothing is missing. In the meantime I have been searching for things that are already there. In the physical contents. I am like a book ready to be opened I have a  contents defined by chapters. At any point these pages can be opened and found the problem was never me I just chose to close the book. I believe now its time to open this if it helps one person that's one less person that needs support. A good friend and mentor told me to write on this subject, I believe he realised it was my time to shine.

We can look for a new job, a new car, a new home but the fact doesn't change we are not missing the only thing that is, is our happiness. I have loved, lost and won. However I have spent the last 30 years hiding me, rejected happiness, rejected love and rejected me I suppose you could call this self sabotage.

So I have spent too long look at the wrong things and not enough time on the things that make me happy, walking on grass barefoot, spending time in the rain, reading, writing, singing, laughing. I was too busy being busy creating nothing but sadness and anger. losing people that would matter most in my life. Missing moments and not capturing the right ones and before you know it time escapes us.

Life is deeper than waiting for things to happen it's about grabbing those opportunities and making the most of what you have with no regrets. When was the last time we went back to our childhood memories? Walking in the woods, playing hide and seek, sharing a story at bedtime and just being a younger version of ourselves. We stop working on our selves instead we fill our life with resentment, anger, frustration all negative emotions.

Stop questioning what to do and just do it would be my advice, stop working towards the things you can't take with you. Enjoy the moments that create the best memories that you can reflect upon. Ensure when you look back it fulfils you with joy happiness and you can laugh have a story to tell. "remember when we did this" "That time we"... "how great was that catch up?"
I'm guessing you get the picture. But if you don't thats cool too. I am doing this for me because I lost my connection with myself. I allowed to get attached to things that don't really exisit unless you are in the material world.

My passions include psychology, reading, people, dancing, blogging, walking my family. This has also significantly changed for me if you had asked me years ago it would have been the total opposite. This is also ok but nows my time to put me first and follow my deepest passions that excite me more than breathing.

Negative consumption only hurts you in the long run, reframe and look at the choices we make individually and collectively. Make the choice to walk away, free the mind. A recommended book of mine is the "mind made prison" this unlocked some of my deepest fears. As part of my journey I have now openly talked about my traumas and feel less pain as well the deep shame. Long may this continue.

This is dedicated to my mentor, friend Stephen Aish.